1. |
Here I Go
04:31
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NARRATOR: We begin our tale by the seaside.....
[A wave crashes against the shores of a quaint seaside town, a tad tarnished by recent erratic weather events & sea-level rise. Our Hero enters, flower bouquet in hand, mustering his courage.]
HERO: Here I go thinking these thoughts again. I can’t be sure if I am reading this right at all -
The torment I put myself through thinking of you can’t be good for the stability of my mind.
All the while, ludicrousy is imminent - Nothing could be less innocent than the way I feel.
Weeks and days, morning night and noon, and hours and years, evenings also I’d assume.
Every chance to make things right I have let go. All my days ought be compressed into just a few.
Well I think you’d better weep and moan: Can this whole life be nothing but teary-eyed complications that don’t appear to exist at all, ‘least not outside of my fucked-up brain, flooding again - a face like rain - I see myself in every drop, and every last expression stains.
[Without warning, a violent storm rises, the seas swell and the water engulfs everything.]
HERO & CHORUS: All the sudden the catastrophe is over and she’s nowhere to be found. With the backdrop of a tersely swaying ocean, I can barely distinguish a sound. Though I know that there must be some people screaming or some evidence of death, everything I see is curiously empty: the shambles of my life are dripping wet.
[He begins to walk among the ruins.]
Well I guess I’d better set out on the road then (in what’s left of my car);
With gas at a thousand bucks a litre, don’t think I’ll make it very far.
Gotta hope that I can find a sanctuary, somewhere away from the rising sea - Everyday my neighbourhood is gettin’ smaller - no insurance for this kinda loss-o-property:
[We flash to the local Insurance Office, a few days earlier.]
SECRETARY: Sandy! Your 4:15 is here.
SANDY: Oh hi! Come on in –
and why don’t you take a seat!
HERO: I’ve got some property I’d like
to insure, because the ocean is
swallowing up my street.
SANDY: Sorry sir: We don’t provide
that kind of coverage anymore.
HERO: Wait a minute: I thought disaster
insurance was pretty common...
SANDY: Yes, but since we’ve
acknowledged that Climate
Change is real (and human-caused)
The disaster you speak of is
technically your fault
– and no longer qualifies.
HERO: That sounds a little bit dubious to me –
What did I do? What about those
who already have a policy?
SANDY: I’m afraid, like you, that they’re
gonna just… have to get by.
HERO: So, while we drown you’ll be leavin’ us
high and dry – What are we to do?
SANDY: I don’t know, sir – I suggest you be
creative: Build a sand-bag wall, take
your own initiative—
HERO: Fuck that! How can you—
SANDY: Sir! I’ve had it with your tone,
Now why don’t you go before I have
security take you away......
[We flash back to our HERO, still standing motionless in the remains of his house.]
HERO: Sweet the note, ’sgot me all curlin’ up. And then I wait – and forever I’d assume
Wondrous past, opening as I look ahead: Nothing said might be the scariest of them all. But you see just every now and then, and it’s exactly how the Universe fucks with me, Putting me where I want to be, only without a plan.
[He gets into what’s left of his car, and drives away.....]
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2. |
Squinter's Paradise
04:09
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NARRATOR: Alone and destitute, our intrepid hero flees the wave-ravaged coast and drowns his sorrows at a roadside watering hole.....
BARMAID: Welcome to ‘The Bar at a Higher Elevation with the Blaring Television’!
[On the TV we see and hear a unique infomercial for a strange and luring place.]
TV YOKELS: I hear the place you live got
covered by the melting ice,
Why not come inland to the sunniest place,
if you'll take my dry advice?
All our squinting makes us smile -
so we all seem really nice
That’s why we call this hell-hole:
‘Squinter's Paradise’!
BARMAID: What can I getcha?
HERO: A Gin & Orange, a Lemon Squash
and a Scotch & Water please.
And turn that TV up!
TV YOKELS: Drivin’ down the highway,
dust balls in your ear:
That is how you know that
paradise is near!
Make sure you’re driving
faster than that wall of fire:
Better hope to hell that
you don’t pop a tire!
Think about a life that’s calmer than before: You won’t have to water your front lawn anymore!
The grass is never greener than a dusty brown:
Ain’t no ‘other side’, don’t let it get you down!
We get our drinking water by filtering our pee!
Everyone here does it: It ain’t so bad -
You’ll see, my friend -
At least it’s halfway better than
rolling with the waves - Wake up! This Squinter’s Paradise may be your last escape.
[The BARMAID pours out a squint-inducing vocal solo, inspiring memories in our HERO.]
HERO & CHORUS: And if we’re still then we can watch the drips fallin’ from your nose.
They hit the ground, seeming to shatter more than most. We’ll pretend everything’s right, cozy and nice. Such a vice leaving me shivering to the bone.
But then you see just every now and then - and it’s exactly how the universe fucks with me - Putting me where I want to be, only without a plan.....
[The Squinter’s Paradise infomercial renews its blaring, shaking him form his reverie.]
TV YOKELS: We got the perfect set-up for these
trying times.
Why not come inland to the sunniest
place - and even you will shine!
That constant sweaty glisten makes
the air so sweet and nice,
Come and join our hell in
Squinter's Paradise (repeat)
HERO: Alright!
BARMAID: I don’t know - it’s a
treacherous journey there. And
the Yokels’ll drive you insane!
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3. |
Dustballs (In Your Ear)
06:12
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HERO: What have I got to lose? What do I have to gain staying by the oceanside?
Nearly everyone here has died, either drowned or from disease. Guess I might as well move on.
[He pays, starts the car & takes off across the desert. We witness a journey fraught with legendary chaos & great obstacle.]
HERO & CHORUS: Drivin’ down the highway, got those dustballs in my ear:
That is how I know paradise is near!
I’m sure I’m driving faster,
than that wall of fire:
Better hope to hell that I don’t pop a tire!
Drivin’ down the highway, got those dustballs in my ear: Oh it’s got me thinkin’:
Paradise...... is...... near.
[Our HERO shuts the engine, rubs the dust from his cracked windshield, and takes his first look at.... Squinter’s Paradise.]
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4. |
Yokally Yokel
05:20
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[As he steps out of his car, the Yokels approach.....]
YOKEL WOMEN: Hi There! You look worn out
and thirsty. Don’t worry, this is the perfect place
for Ocean-folk like you. Let us lighten your load
and show you around! Brother-Cousin Donny’ll
take your car (you mean ‘our’ car!) - after all.....
YOKELS: You’re one of us now!
BROTHER-COUSIN DONNY: And when we
walk we usually stumble,
YOKELS: And when we catch we usually fumble,
BROTHER-COUSIN DONNY: And when we talk
we tend to mumble,
YOKELS: But we’re the furthest thing from
humble!
BROTHER-COUSIN DONNY: I want my point
to be focal:
YOKELS: Vocally Yokel! And though I know I
can’t encapsul...ate what I want to say:
Yokally Yokel! Yokally.....
This is your home now!
Our infrastructure is in shambles.
BROTHER-COUSIN DONNY: If you stay alive
it’s just a gamble -
YOKELS: Gollee gee! Please accept my
apologies, don’t mean to ramble:
BROTHER-COUSIN DONNY: I speak even
though I’m barely understand-ble.
YOKEL1: Take it away Brother-Cousin Donny!
BROTHER-COUSIN DONNY squawks a gibberish-mumble-welcome vocal solo.
YOKEL2: Yeehoo!
BROTHER-COUSIN DONNY: Life here is
such a stupid jokel:
YOKELS: Locally Yokel! All the same: My
glass is always ‘least two-thirds
full: Yokally Yokel! Yokally.....
[The YOKELS take our HERO on a tour.]
YOKEL1: Why don’t we show you around?
This here is the Pee-Filtration Plant!
YOKEL2: And this is the tire-yard where
we hunts for cats!
BROTHER-COUSIN DONNY: And that
there’s my house: Best scrap-metal
gophers can buy!
YOKEL3: Over there’s the convenience
store, Town Hall meetin’s there
every fifth Tuesday--
YOKEL4: All of the Twinkies and
Corndogs you can eat!....
YOKELS (ALL): You roll with us now! And when we fight it’s quite the tussle:
Forget the brain we use the muscle.
There ain’t no king inside the castle:
BROTHER-COUSIN DONNY: Settle all
our dirt among the rascals.
YOKELS (ALL): All the same: At heart
we’re kind and decent folkel:
Okalie Dokel!
We’ll be the whites to your yolk-el:
Yokally Yokel! Yokally.....
BROTHER-COUSIN DONNY: Hoedown!
The town erupts in a giant hootenanny, as our HERO reflects on what he’s gotten himself into:
CHORUS: And for the sailor who is stuck far at sea, as undeserved as may be the storm, at least it keeps you on your game, more than you were before. I can spend about an hour. And for the traveller of the great desert sands, as introverted as may be the stream, at least it keeps you lookin’ out, as well as in somehow. I can take another day.
HERO: Here I go, thinking these thoughts again.
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5. |
Rough Riders
04:37
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NARRATOR: Meanwhile, over the horizon, the
Rough Riders are meeting in their
Corporate Tower of Doom.....
[We zoom to a palatial fortress hidden in the hills.]
ROUGH RIDERS: It’s clear that now, to keep
ahead in the Cosmic Race, we’re going to
have to outright kill our consumer base.
CEO: All our lawns will still be bright n’green.
And hey, we’ll have more money then
we’ve ever seen!
LAWYERS: By implementing a program of
demand destruction we can progressively
demonstrate that a greater percentage of
total humans are buying our product. Despite
operational downsizing to accommodate
dwindling markets with the help of inflation
we continue to manifest short-term profits
while forecasting relative growth.
ROUGH RIDERS: It’s clear that now, to
keep ahead in the cosmic race, we’re
going to have to outright kill our
consumer base.
SCIENTIST: Mwahaha! I’ve invented some
new diseases!
5-STAR GENERAL: Attach the machine
guns to the helicopters! We’ll have some
fun and head for Squinter’s Paradise!
CEO: All our lawns’ll still be bright
n’green, and we’ll have more
money then we’ve ever seen!
[The CEO takes a nefarious cackle-solo.]
STRATEGISTS: The insurance thing is
working out great: people are starting to
flee the seaside. We’re opening up new
markets in the dead lands, Sending our
five-ton convoys to the desert sands.
ROUGH RIDERS: By the time the last
Yokel town is gone, we’ll be prepped
to be galactically moving on.
[The ROUGH RIDERS build an extravagant out-chorus as they prep their guns.]
ROUGH RIDER1: And all of our lawns
will still be bright and green!
ROUGH RIDER2: And we’ll have more
money then we’ve ever seen! (repeat)
[One by one, the corporate helicopters take off toward Squinter’s Paradise.]
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6. |
Elephants & Crows
03:18
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NARRATOR: And now! We take you back to
Squinter’s Paradise, where there’s
a dark cloud on the horizon.....
[We hear ominous ‘caws’ and ‘squeals’ as the squadrons of elephants & crows assemble.]
YOKELS: O No I think the Crows are here!
That means the Elephants can’t be far behind!
Take cover under the first thing you can find!
Clear the streets before they trample and drop
the bombs!
HERO: Wait a minute – Whoa now, has everyone
gone insane? Sometimes it’s still advantageous
to use your brain! I’ve never heard of a crow
dropping a bomb. Since when are elephants
living on this terrain?
YOKELS: Poor seaside yuppie don’t have a clue.
Fine then, just stay there and see what they do
to you! Soon they’ll be dropping all sorts
o’things from the sky. Stones, scraps and roof-
tiles – even pieces of giant cacti!
[The Crows begin dropping everything mentioned and more from the sky, including primitive bombs.]
YOKELS: Then they’ll start swooping at everyone
(pecking at your eyes!) - It doesn’t matter as
long as you look human (so don’t be surprised!)
And with the first phase of Blitzkrieg a success,
in come the Elephants to take care of the rest....
[The Elephants attack all around them.]
HERO: There’s just one thing that I don’t
understand: Since when did the animals
take over the land?
YOKELS: About the time the cities died,
when you were only a child, all the caged
animals returned to the wild, and the
antipathy toward us that they bred into
their younger generations was unleashed
upon us. The salivating elephants a
kindred spirit to the crows who’d been
observing us wherever we’d go, and so
the smarter of the species - all the sudden
as it seemed - began this endless series of
vindictive and extreme attacks
HERO: There’s a ribbon overhead about to
black out the sky
ALL: They’re coming’ in again we’d better
go run and hide!!!
[The second wave of the attack begins.]
HERO: Crouched under this stairwell I can
barely decide: Is this really any better
than the shrinking seaside?
NARRATOR: And from the crumbling
street we can see the sun set behind the
western horizon. And amidst the
thunderous bolts of lightening and dust-
storm tornados, a new hum: as the Rough
Riders’ helicopters join the crows....
YOKELS (ALL): Watch Out!!!
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7. |
Pure Ridiculousness
03:14
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NARRATOR: We are left with the sensation of an unwittingly interconnected tumult, incorporating its special-case victims in a synergetic feedback loop of omni-efficient ‘wiping the slate clean’.....
[Once again, we witness our HERO’s world unravel before his eyes. The helicopters & crows return for yet another bombardment, the tornados and lightening rain down, and from over the hills, other animals join the elephants’ stampede.]
HERO & CHORUS: So now I’m thinking: ‘Oh
what have I done?’ Why and where am I into?
Tug again at the thread: Another bottom to fall
through! Unravelling all at once, everything that
was constant; Teetering on the brink, I just can’t
help but think: What’s ensuing is a cosmic
undoing..... (repeat)
[Our HERO watches from the stairwell as Paradise falls to ruin. Suddenly, there is a Brechtian ‘Deus Ex Machina’ as the NARRATORS take over.]
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8. |
Devolution
05:02
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NARRATORS: Take a team o’ gymnasts and you
put them in the forest - get them climbing the
trees; Come back in a few thousand years, and
you got yourself a lovely tribe of monkeys.
If all this inbred physical selectivity breeds out
metaphysical capacity, then what the hell and
who exactly are we?
Now that they’ve mapped out all the
ACTGs and they’re verifyin’ Darwin’s
theories; they can show you every origin
of every single biological discrepancy.
If all of this inbred physical selectivity
breeds out metaphysical capacity, the future’s lookin’ pretty bleak for you and me.
[NARRATOR 1 explains ‘Evolution’ vs ‘Devolution’ with the aid of a chalkboard.]
NARRATOR1: The great ape has got a
killer jaw, and all of the muscles needed
to operate it force the scull to close in
early in development, in other words, by
gaining the physical advantage of a
skookum mashing apparatus, the ape lost
the mental capacity for more significant
and abstract thought.
NARRATORS: Which way does it go?
[We fly low again over the wreckage - a town unwound and overrun by animals. Our HERO stands alone, virtually unhurt.]
HERO: All around, ludicrousy is
imminent... but nothing could be less
exigent than the way I feel....
NARRATORS: Now that they’ve mapped
out all the ACTGs and they’re verifyin’
Darwin’s theories; They can show you
every origin of every single biological
discrepancy. If all of this inbred physical
selectivity breeds out metaphysical capacity,
the future’s lookin’ pretty bleak for you and me.
ALL: It’s just my conclusion:
Appalachian Evolution (repeat)
[The ensemble joins for a final Yokel reprise.]
YOKEL WOMEN: And for the sailor who is stuck
far at sea, as undeserved as may be the storm
At least it keeps you on your game, more than
you were before,
ADD HERO: I can spend about an hour!
And for the traveller of the great desert sands:
As introverted as may be the stream, at least it
keeps you lookin’ out, as well as in somehow.
I can take another day!
YOKEL MEN: Yokel! At heart we’re kind and
decent folk-el, we’ll be the whites to your
yolk-el (repeat underneath)
ADD YOKEL WOMEN: And for the sailor who is
stuck far at sea, as undeserved as may be the
storm, at least it keeps you on your game, more
than you were before.
ADD ALL: I can spend about an hour!
And for the traveller of the great desert sands:
As introverted as may be the stream, at least it
keeps you lookin’ out, as well as in somehow.
I can take another day!
[The ensemble exits. we are left with our HERO.]
HERO: Here I go, thinking these thoughts again.
[THE END]
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Two Apple Tobacco Vancouver, British Columbia
Based in Vancouver, BC, Two Apple Tobacco has been called “a bright beacon of weirdness” (Snipe News) and “a wonderfully creative band” (Evolution Radio) who put on an “explosive show” (Sloan's Bones) that “pushed me as far as I could go” (Discorder Magazine). Two Apple Tobacco was named one of Vancouver's 'Top 25 Bands' by Vanmusic and has twice made the Georgia Straight’s 'Best of Vancouver'. ... more
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