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Elephants & Crows

from Squinter's Paradise by Two Apple Tobacco

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SCENE 6: “Elephants & Crows”


NARRATOR: And now! We take you back to
Squinter’s Paradise, where there’s
a dark cloud on the horizon.....

[We hear ominous ‘caws’ and ‘squeals’ as the squadrons of elephants & crows assemble.]

YOKELS: O No I think the Crows are here!
That means the Elephants can’t be far behind!
Take cover under the first thing you can find!
Clear the streets before they trample and drop
the bombs!
HERO: Wait a minute – Whoa now, has everyone
gone insane? Sometimes it’s still advantageous
to use your brain! I’ve never heard of a crow
dropping a bomb. Since when are elephants
living on this terrain?
YOKELS: Poor seaside yuppie don’t have a clue.
Fine then, just stay there and see what they do
to you! Soon they’ll be dropping all sorts
o’things from the sky. Stones, scraps and roof-
tiles – even pieces of giant cacti!

[The Crows begin dropping everything mentioned and more from the sky, including primitive bombs.]

YOKELS: Then they’ll start swooping at everyone
(pecking at your eyes!) - It doesn’t matter as
long as you look human (so don’t be surprised!)
And with the first phase of Blitzkrieg a success,
in come the Elephants to take care of the rest....

[The Elephants attack all around them.]

HERO: There’s just one thing that I don’t
understand: Since when did the animals
take over the land?
YOKELS: About the time the cities died,
when you were only a child, all the caged
animals returned to the wild, and the
antipathy toward us that they bred into
their younger generations was unleashed
upon us. The salivating elephants a
kindred spirit to the crows who’d been
observing us wherever we’d go, and so
the smarter of the species - all the sudden
as it seemed - began this endless series of
vindictive and extreme attacks
HERO: There’s a ribbon overhead about to
black out the sky
ALL: They’re coming’ in again we’d better
go run and hide!!!

[The second wave of the attack begins.]

HERO: Crouched under this stairwell I can
barely decide: Is this really any better
than the shrinking seaside?
NARRATOR: And from the crumbling
street we can see the sun set behind the
western horizon. And amidst the
thunderous bolts of lightening and dust-
storm tornados, a new hum: as the Rough
Riders’ helicopters join the crows....
YOKELS (ALL): Watch Out!!!


from Squinter's Paradise, released May 21, 2021


all rights reserved



Two Apple Tobacco Vancouver, British Columbia

Based in Vancouver, BC, Two Apple Tobacco has been called “a bright beacon of weirdness” (Snipe News) and “a wonderfully creative band” (Evolution Radio) who put on an “explosive show” (Sloan's Bones) that “pushed me as far as I could go” (Discorder Magazine). Two Apple Tobacco was named one of Vancouver's 'Top 25 Bands' by Vanmusic and has twice made the Georgia Straight’s 'Best of Vancouver'. ... more

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