NARRATOR: Alone and destitute, our intrepid hero flees the wave-ravaged coast and drowns his sorrows at a roadside watering hole.....

BARMAID: Welcome to ‘The Bar at a Higher Elevation with the Blaring Television’!

[On the TV we see and hear a unique infomercial for a strange and luring place.]

TV YOKELS: I hear the place you live got
covered by the melting ice,
Why not come inland to the sunniest place,
if you'll take my dry advice?
All our squinting makes us smile -
so we all seem really nice
That’s why we call this hell-hole:
‘Squinter's Paradise’!

BARMAID: What can I getcha?

HERO: A Gin & Orange, a Lemon Squash
and a Scotch & Water please.
And turn that TV up!

TV YOKELS: Drivin’ down the highway,
dust balls in your ear:
That is how you know that
paradise is near!
Make sure you’re driving
faster than that wall of fire:
Better hope to hell that
you don’t pop a tire!
Think about a life that’s calmer than before: You won’t have to water your front lawn anymore!
The grass is never greener than a dusty brown:
Ain’t no ‘other side’, don’t let it get you down!

We get our drinking water by filtering our pee!
Everyone here does it: It ain’t so bad -
You’ll see, my friend -
At least it’s halfway better than
rolling with the waves - Wake up! This Squinter’s Paradise may be your last escape.

[The BARMAID pours out a squint-inducing vocal solo, inspiring memories in our HERO.]

HERO & CHORUS: And if we’re still then we can watch the drips fallin’ from your nose.
They hit the ground, seeming to shatter more than most. We’ll pretend everything’s right, cozy and nice. Such a vice leaving me shivering to the bone.

But then you see just every now and then - and it’s exactly how the universe fucks with me - Putting me where I want to be, only without a plan.....

[The Squinter’s Paradise infomercial renews its blaring, shaking him form his reverie.]

TV YOKELS: We got the perfect set-up for these
trying times.
Why not come inland to the sunniest
place - and even you will shine!
That constant sweaty glisten makes
the air so sweet and nice,
Come and join our hell in
Squinter's Paradise (repeat)

HERO: Alright!

BARMAID: I don’t know - it’s a
treacherous journey there. And
the Yokels’ll drive you insane!